I had invited her to Fran’s flat at lunchtime. It seemed only a courtesy to mention this to Fran at work the next morning when I apologised for again failing to return her keys. She told me not to worry, she had assumed I meant to retain them and had had another set cut on the way to work. ‘So keep them,’ she smiled. ‘You’ll need them if you’re going to keep using my flat as a handy knocking shop. How many girls this time, darling? Three? Four?’ ‘Just the one today,’ I assured her. She looked at me in mock concern. ‘Only one? Darling, you’re slipping. Maybe the stuff is wearing off.’ I promised to show her after work whether it was wearing off. I got to the flat ten minutes before I had told Yvonne to arrive but she was waiting outside in the street. She was clearly overjoyed to see me but also deeply confused about what was going on. I hurried her inside and into Fran’s bedroom, where she looked at the bed and then at me. Despite the hesitancy of her general demeanour, her eyes. "My impending suicide was thwarted by Mom sitting next to me and laying her hand on my arm, saying. "Try to calm down, Billy. It's going to be all right. Believe me."Do they tell you to be calm before your exiled? Gonna be all right under the goddamn bridge?I tried to talk and croaked instead. "Uh... I don't know what to say... I didn't... " Didn't plan this?" Plan it? I couldn't have imagined it!" Then I looked at her and added, "I don't know what to say." Try starting with the truth, why don't you?" The truth? You KNOW the truth. Jean told you the truth. It's true, what she said. Except that she took too much responsibility for what we did. I was the one that was pushing it all the time." Billy, Billy... I'm not sorting out who did what. And I'm not attempting to apportion blame. It's not a blame thing... at least as far as I understand it. But I need to know more. That's why we're talking."I glanced at her. She gave me a soft smile and squeezed my forearm. I still didn't know what.
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