I again tried my best to laugh it off, saying it was only a joke.The next night I was in his room again, and over the course of a few days Freddie seemed to become more accepting of what was happening...we were both young and only fooling around. I specifically remember one night however, I came into his room and tried to talk to him but he sounded half-asleep. I pushed my hand under his duvet, and as he was lying on his front I pressed my hand against his hips, hoping he would sleepily make-way for it. Unbelievably, Freddie raised his bum up and let my hand slide in underneath. My heart was pounding, he then lowered himself down and I felt his small 13 year old dick press into my palm. It quickly hardened, sticking out no more than an adult's thumb. Even though my hand wasn't able to move much, I kept it still, as Freddie pretended to be asleep. After about thirty seconds he said 'right thats enough'...and I left grinning to myself, I walked back to my room with my dick in my hand.. How canthat be?But, after all, who understands love? Not even science can explainattraction like this. All that I knew is that I have to be with Scott,and I need to make him love me back.I must have always been gay. I know that now. It must have been deepinside me - repressed - just waiting for a trigger to open it up. He wasthat trigger.But he is not gay. He can never love me the way that I need to be lovedby him. He wants to please me. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity.
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