I shiver slightly: I am committed.It is half past seven, and the early evening air is cool. The light isbeginning to fade, and the streetlights have come on. A car with fouryoung men in it catches us in its headlights, and sounds its horn as itpasses. A back seat passenger gives an unashamed leer as he passes. Ifeel a mixture of ecstasy and sheer delicious terror. Terror at what, Icannot really explain. As you say, we have never encountered anydifficulty or hostility when out together, but there is that indefinablesomething lurking in the back of my mind, the possibility of discovery,exposure, notoriety, gossip, shame. But the streets are quiet: we arepassed by no neighbours who might recognise you and stop you and ask howyou are while wondering who your unfamiliar companion might be. Nobodylurches out at us from the doorway of one of the neighbourhood shops.There is no policeman on the beat or drunk to give us unwelcome attention.I relax slightly. Our heels click on the. Something I would have to live with. ‘This is your home, you may not belong here, but it is what it is. You understand that?’ ‘I know what I did, I know why, Mrs. Holt. I know, okay? I was terrible. I came here to fix that. To change that, to move on.’ She laughed at me. Really laughed, threw her head back and let loose. I clenched my jaw and waited for her to stop. ‘You moved on Dillon,’ She said ‘But he found you and because you’re not completely heartless you felt bad about it. It bugged you. I’m sure your big city boyfriend was miffed too. You’re here so you can ease that nagging. And I wont give that to you. I won’t forgive you like that.’ She snapped her fingers. ‘ Not until you really prove to me you care. And not just about Joel and the rest of us, but yourself. ‘ She slid a plate over to me, ‘Start by going out there and facing up to what you did. If that’s to difficult for you leave and don’t ever come back.’ *** You would have thought I’d kicked a puppy. Dead stares. Open.
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