I reached down and hooked a finger into her collar. I pulled her a little closer and found the D-ring at the front of the leash."We are going for a walk, bitch," I told her as I clipped the leash onto the collar. I walked toward the stairs and gave the leash a quick tug to get her moving. I praised her, as I led her down the stairs, "You are such a good girl, puppy."When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I tugged the leash and told her, "Heel, girl."Daphne crawled up so her shoulder touched my leg and we began to walk across the house slowly, so that Daphne had time to navigate on all fours. I led her to the back door of the house. I reached down and patted her on the head and said, "Stand up and put your hands behind your head, bitch."Daphne hesitated only a moment before she stood and clasped her hands behind her head. Taking a shorter grasp on her leash, I led her out the door and down the stairs. When we got to the grass I pointed at a spot just a few feet off the cement walk. As I had stated in NOH I was extremely enraged at the Christian god for ignoring me. When I say enraged I mean the Hulk on a rampage would be considered slightly ticked in comparison. My friend who has walked through this entire mess with me said to me: “I know why God’s ignoring you.”Me:”Why, other than the fact I’m an asshole?”Friend: “You killed God. You’ve spent your entire life searching for wisdom. You’ve studied religion, magick, psychology, all of it. You killed your belief in god long before you ever got sick. When you faced that darkness you knew you were the only one there and that you couldn’t answer your own prayer.”Me: “Wait a minute, You’re saying I’m mad at myself?”Friend: “Yes.”I felt the truth of his words and it was like he had run me through with a sword. I was speechless. It took me a couple of days to process what he had told me. He was in fact, correct. In my heart, I had killed God. Nobody is home or on the throne.It’s a liberating, yet lonely thought. All my.
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