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They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me like the wing of bird, disabling my flight through the azure dawn of existence. I felt that when I was crying my tears were made of glass because they hurt as they came out razor edges carving bloody. "You'd better come in and get started as well or we'll be late forbreakfast," she suggested.I needed no further invitation and quickly joined her in the shower. Fora moment we looked at each other and giggled self-consciously about ourobvious differences then we quickly soaped ourselves down. We had oftenseen each other naked from our earliest recollections when granny andher maid had baby-sat us so it was no big deal to be naked. We were soonout of the shower and towelling each other down."Are you going to wear knickers to school?" asked Judith, "There's nogames today, it's Friday." D'you think I aught to?" I replied, "I could get caught."Our summer school uniforms consisted of shorts and a sports shirt forthe boys and a skirt and sports shirt for the girls. It would be a bitrisky to wear panties under my shorts and I said so."Look what happened yesterday, in the tree house. If I had an accidentlike that at school I'd be deep in it." If you tore your long trousers, the same thing.
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