To her, this was all new to me. This was all meant to be anew look at life for me. And it just dawned on me, I'm not wearing makeupto hide my face or appear female. I got to this is scary. And anyone Iknow could see me like this! That thought didn't dawn on me till after weleft the store. Someone from school might see me in these clothes andthen I'm in deep trouble.We started walking back towards JCPenny... in dead silence. I didn't knowwhat to say and I thought my mom did too, but then out of nowhere "Let'sgo over there," my mom said pointing towards 'Gamer's Heaven', the videogame store."Why did she want to go there?" I thought to myself.We walked over to the entrance. Never went in just stood outside near theentrance of the place."Ok, Charlie," my mom started to speak. Here is comes. I bet she saw mytoes before she wondered off in the store. She's going to ask me!"First I want to do this," Mom said as she grabbed me and gave me a hugehug. "I'm so sorry you had all that coffee. The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had.
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