The weeks went by quickly as we traveled from one city to another, spending our evenings and nights in strip clubs, adult bookstores and at busy nightclubs in VIP rooms. We did radio interviews early in the morning, sometimes barely getting out of bed and sending our current lovers home, so that we could make it on time to our scheduled appointments. My mom and grandmother had done it for years, so they were used to it. They seemed so much more in control and organized. Sometimes they were up early, in the gym working out, while I was still sleeping off a long night of fucking, sucking and drinking. I had begun partying while on the road, often hooking up with many of my fans and getting stoned or drunk after we had finished our film shoots during the day and our work at the club during the night. I very rarely made it back to the room, often still at the hotel, apartment or home of the men with whom I would leave. I often fucked them for money, but many times I just wanted to party.. I stared atthe ceiling for a minute, then I made the drunken mistake of opening an oldwound. As Wasted Time by The Eagles drifted from my clock radio, I slowlypaged through one of my old journals. My name was written neatly in the margins3 different ways, with my ex boyfriends last name. Tanya Reed-Martin, Tanya Mary Martin, Tanya M. Martin. The old memories of Tommy Martin and how he broke my heart were too much, and the tears I hadn't shed in weeks began to well in my eyes as Don Henley sang to me. "The autumn leaves have got you thinking about the first time that youfell. You didn't love the boy too much, no, no, you just loved the boy toowell, Farewell" "So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow, oh. And thehours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay So you take a littlesomething to make them go away" "And I could have done so many things, baby If I could only stop my mindfrom wonderin' what I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted.
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