"Don't!" I held up my hands and stepped back when Perry reached for my shoulders. "Don't touch me yet." What's wrong?" Perry asked me and I might have laughed at him then. It was such a silly question and he asked it so seriously."Tell me what I am," I said. "Why I'm here. You tell me, Perry. What do you want?" I want to fuck you," he said and I shook my head."I'll leave," I told him over the rapid beating of my heart. "I swear to God. I'll put my clothes back on and leave if you don't tell me the truth."I was dying with the fear that he'd already spoken it.I knew why I hadn't called him now. I'd known all along since ... before. Since the first time? Maybe. Since the night I'd tried to fight him, I'd known it then for certain. It was inside me and it hurt. It was killing me and I was afraid of it. It was why I'd driven across the state alone, making my pilgrimage back to the place that had ruined me. The scene of the crime and the past that wouldn't let me go, taken shape in the man. I took out $1,000 to have for emergencies and promptly forgot about the rest, with considerable relief. I had not realized that having that much money was a real burden, and I was finally able to relax now that it was somebody else's problem and concern.I wasn't worried about Gray Eagle. He would hide the money in a chest, somewhere, and just take out enough to solve problems as they came up. I had complete confidence in Gray Eagle, and I planned to add to the stash as more money came my way.I still was a long way from being ready to settle down, so I was polite to the unmarried girls who courted me, but I refused to spend the night in anyone's hut. It's not that I didn't like girls, I just was not ready to be tied down. I got all of the relief I needed from my hand, since I was still only 13 years old, well ... almost 14, though I looked 18 or 20. Gray Eagle had counseled me to be careful not to knock up a young maiden until I was ready to settle down. There was no stigma attached.
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