I found it pretty distressing to see her like that, but I still didn't think that there was much I could have done about it, once Freddie (and, presumably, Elly) had decided to cut their losses over her. I was just glad that it hadn't involved Sukie or Rachel. That would have been a harder call to make.Freddie was busy. He and Elly had been talking together a lot. It was obvious from what Elly had said that she wasn't happy with how things were going with the business. I'd mentioned the conversation that I had had with Steve and we'd agreed that I'd follow that up if I got a chance. Then Freddie told me that he and Elly had agreed on moving things forward with Anatoly. I sat in on a telephone conference with the two of them, Anatoly and Constanza.Constanza kicked things off. "Things seem to have been a bit difficult for you lately, Freddie," she began. "I mean the business with Lady M and now poor Alana. Not what I'd have thought from your operation." I think you'll find," Clegg said. The soft fabric I felt against my skin and lightly tentedpanties reminded me that I was wearing a nightie, and as I realized whatday it was, I felt my heart begin to beat rapidly in fear, excitement,and anxiety, but I couldn't place whether it was fear about today andexcitement that my ordeal was over, or excitement about today and fearabout what came next.The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said.
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