"Married or not, I would still be waiting for months for you to come back. Even if I was here I would still be waiting. But the most important reason is that I don't love you, at least not in that way."That one put a hole through my heart. Again, I had assumed she felt the same as I did. I felt like I had blown it again. It was ironic, I was the one that didn't want more than friendship and I was the one fighting to have more than that.Caitlyn leaned over and gently kissed me. "I do care for you and very much Drew. I didn't realize how much until you came home. But I don't love you, not the way married people should, at least not yet. Please don't be hurt, this isn't a rejection. It may just be a postponement."That was our last night together; I had to leave the next day. She wanted to show me off so when we went out I wore my dress whites. We went to a steak house, had a nice dinner, and checked out the lounge. The lounge had a band and a small dance floor so we danced. Actually, it. My regular therapist recommended a Neuropsych evaluation. The results made a lot of things clear to me that made no sense before. She explained the results and what they meant. Options for treatment and coping methods. The first thing was a slight surprise. I had an IQ north of 120, and high-functioning autism. I hated hearing that, but she took the time to explain that it was nothing to be ashamed of, that really it was closer to what people used to call Aspergers before they removed it from the diagnostic manual. That explained the memory, and my inability to communicate the way I wanted to. I struggled internally with how to talk to people for so long, pantomiming through things I learned on TV and in movies. I felt like a robot, activated and thrown in with humanity, but not really belonging. The last two things weren't a surprise, major depression, and anxiety, something I already knew that I had. A pill once a night and suddenly my brain was producing the chemicals I had been.
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