”She looked me in the eye and shook her head, “I said that was what was in my mind. That loathing and that disgust is still... energy. Still the first time I felt alive in a long time. My heart was bursting out of my chest because it felt so good to explore another man, and to have him make me….feel. Even if it was a slog and a challenge, and a little disgusting...I still felt. It’s been so long since I felt anything that immense.”I nodded, “We took a lot of risks.” I made sure to group us together to avoid shaming her.She agreed with her eyes. “So, so unsafe...what if there’s a baby…”We let the big, big elephant in the room sit in silence. I remembered how it felt shoving his cum into her. What if she was unscathed until then? What if my horn-ball, delusional action was the deciding moment when nihilism bore fruit?“There’s the mind, the heart, and the soul. We haven’t talked about the soul.”I paused. She looked white as a ghost. “What do you mean?” I asked.She licked her. Not in every single detail. I have made it considerably more wicked and salacious than it truly was. I didn’t plan things quite so cold-bloodedly, for example, and I didn’t do the strip poker trick, and we didn’t do and say all that sick stuff the following morning, but the essence of it is faithful to the reality. In my first term at college I did share a room with an older girl (let’s stick with ‘P’) who was a good deal less attractive and sexually experienced than me. Perhaps not quite a virgin, I made that up, but close. And we did hit the town one evening and got talking to two handsome young guys, who I knew both fancied me rotten although one was pretending hard to like P. And yes we did invite them back, to our room, where we all got drunk on cheap wine and inhibitions flew out the window, then one thing led to another and before too long I was getting seriously hit on by both the boys and poor P was being totally ignored.I should have called a halt to proceedings at that.
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