I think that the real reason is that I do this because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that some day when Katy leaves home, there will be no more reason for me to continue living."Even in the darkness I could see that she was shocked."Don't worry Lin, I know that the truth is that I would never do it to her. Besides, the three of you have helped me to fill the empty space inside me, and you have made me feel at least a bit useful."Now there were tears in her eyes and once again I used my finger to wipe them away."Noel, I believe that you loved her very much but I'm sure she wouldn't have liked you to mourn her this way for the rest of your life."The words came out without some conscious thinking."No, the love was not destructive. It was the anger that I felt after her death, and that I still sometimes feel. There once was a person who had gone through something similar who warned me about the anger burning inside. I didn't really believe it, then, 'till it almost destroyed me and the people. She’d tempted him, smiling, promising that I wouldn’t wake up. She told him that our relationship was at its eleventh hour by then anyway, finally ready to be put to rest. Suddenly Roxy was spinning tales about the way she felt connected to him and always had, like they were the same kind of people. ‘You get me in ways Leo never will,’ she’d said, as she moved to straddle him. ‘I’ll always be bad, and so will you. Maybe we should just give into fate and be bad together.’ “I wasn’t thinking, bro, I swear,” Zane repeated, his eyes pleading with mine. He was clinging to the only sound bite that could make sense of his betrayal. “I just wasn’t thinking.” Nor was he thinking when he moved her into his place the next day. Over the next several weeks, he used some of that trust fund money to buy a new SUV, a better wardrobe and a plush new lifestyle for our girl. Zane hadn’t known that I’d ratted out his secret of being a privileged California rich kid earlier that day. He’d believed all.
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