"My encounters with David were few andinformal--he didn't know I worked for Asklepios, after all--but I wasimmediately struck by his intense masculinity--and I use the term in themost stereotyped way possible. The reports I've read and the footage I'vestudied has simply reinforced this certainty. If there was a slidingscale for gender, he'd be at the far end of it. It's precisely becausehe's so confident in his masculinity that he's been capable of pretendinghe's the exact opposite."But what you want to do to him--what you've already begun to do--willdirectly challenge this core identity of his. You can't just pound hispsyche with drugs, twist his body into a new shape and create a newperson. You'll either kill him or the conditioning will fail and you'llbe left with a very angry, very dangerous and deranged man."The psychiatrist shuffled through some papers and withdrew a number ofphotos. They weren't entirely flattering to their subject, revealingCindy at moments when the fa?ade. I deeply believe that Ted is here with me. Ok, say I am nuts, maybe I am! But I hear him speak out loud, plain as day. In that moment between sleep and awareness, sliding amongst the shadows of my room, he comes to me in dreams. I feel him in my mind, reaching for me in that instant where sleep and wakeness blend. I can feel his touch, I let myself go, I orgasm in blinding flashes of light, it has to be him. No one else has ever made me feel like that. I awake, he is gone. Was he here? I think so, I know so. Even if I am wrong, I feel it in my body and mind. Ted looks after me still. {I touch myself, still damp from him, then I cry. Is grief endless?} I am 50, I will be 51 soon. I am one of those who gets shortchanged every year, my birthday is December 27th. I got used to that, everyone I have ever known except for Ted just ‘combined’ Christmas and my birthday. Silly, yes. But it mattered to me, it is MY day, I wanted it! Ted always gave it to me, he went far above and beyond.
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