I should have been enjoyinga nice summer break somewhere cool. I should have been at a beach resorthotel somewhere, drinking margaritas and taking in the tropical breezes,spending evenings in a cool piano bar with a brandy. One of the onlyreasons I had become a schoolteacher was the long vacation time. But ontop of the spoiled brat kids I had to pound data into during the schoolyear, I now had to work my summer vacations doing manual labor, cleaningup abandoned houses for a salvage company. Sallie Mae, that bitch, ownedme and she wanted her student loans paid on time. So summers were spentin sweaty, hard labor.Worse, Todd, the guy who owned the company I worked for, was a real jerk. He constantly was teasing me with a, "Hey, I never even graduate highschool and look who works for me!" And then he'd order me off to do thedirtiest, heaviest, grossest clean-up jobs. Then he'd rub it in, tellingme how he was going to go take the afternoon off and check up on the stripclub that he. His pain was more about me abandoning the marriage than it was anything physical. I hadn’t meant to do any of it. I knew that in my heart. If I’d been in control of myself, I wouldn’t have done any of the things I did. It makes my skin crawl when I think of the cheap hotels we went to, the dives where we drank and danced until all hours of the night…and the sex. The sex bothers me a lot. Except for that six months or so, I’ve never allowed any man but Mark to even kiss me, other than a little peck on the cheek or something. All that’s completely separate from the pain I caused Mark and my baby. I’m so terribly sorry about that too but I don’t know how to apologize anymore than I already do anytime Mark will let me. Doctor Jamison asked me if Mark would come back to counseling with me. He undoubtedly had a lot of anger he needed to come to terms with, she said. She said if Mark knew I had found myself again…if he could be convinced I’d lost myself for a time but I was recovering.
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