"It's hard to describe," said Kat. "I saw approval in his eyes. And he smiled. It was like being naked in front of him wasn't any big deal, but I could tell he liked what he was looking at. It made me feel ... I don't know ... pretty?" What did he do?" asked Shannon, who looked like she expected Caitlin to say this mythical uncle threw her to the floor and raped her."He laughed," said Kat, her voice light."He laughed at you?" Shannon was incensed again."No, no. He wasn't laughing at me. It was more like he was laughing because he was happy the whole situation had happened. It was like he was saying 'Wow, how lucky am I?'. It made me want to laugh too." What happened then?" asked Marie, who had forgotten her salad completely."Mom started pounding on the door and he leaned down, right next to my face and put his finger to his lips. He whispered, 'See you later. You're gorgeous, ' and then he unlocked the door and started shooting through the crack as he opened it. He chased my mother. I don't remember exactly how it started, but she was interested and so was I. What I most remember is wanting and frustration. That's not too unusual in high school, of course, but what I couldn't figure out is what she wanted. One day hot, one day cold, once a promising afternoon under a tree on the hillside behind my house, no one around, the perfect moment, her in my arms, an extra button on her blouse undone and inviting exploration, and then—nothing. I was kissing her but she wasn't really kissing me. Her lips were closed and her mouth was tight, rigid. It was like kissing a block of wood.It ended eventually, or so I thought. After April there were other girls. Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sure, but more often than not girls who were just as interested as I was. I learned, slowly, that making her happy would make me happy. I learned that generosity is often returned. But when I saw April, and we did see each other now and then, it always turned out the same way. She wouldn't let.
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