I've seen her breastfeeding my sister, watching her fall asleep and envying the closeness and comfort it produced. This afternoon, when I felt like I was having a panic attack I came down distraught and crying. She held me on the couch for a minute and was so sweet and gentle. As I lay against her chest, I noticed a little spot on her t-shirt at her nipple. Without even thinking, I let my mouth rest against it and sucked gently, pulling the small amount of milk through the fabric and onto my tongue. It felt so good I started to drift towards a dreamy stupor.In a soft voice, she asked me, "Would you like to nuzzle at mama's breast, baby? Would that make you feel better?" It was all I could think about. I sat up nodding with tears still on my cheeks as she lifted her top. I pulled at the buttons down my front and discarded my shirt and laid against her. That was almost ten minutes ago. I was still drinking sweet milk from her breast and feeling like I was floating in a bubble of calm. Hatred still happened.“Joshua –” Yael sat up in bed, white sheet tented over her knees. “We have to talk about something.”Yael and I had been together six weeks, snatching time together where we could away from the hotel and my constant travel. Her apartment – with Liora out at discreet, prearranged times – had become my place of refuge.It had rapidly become obvious that my initial guess of five weeks to gain peace had been shockingly naïve; the process would take many months, at least. Yael seemed to be okay with that.“What?”“I’m never going to marry you,” she said.“I don’t recall proposing.”She punched my arm. “I’m serious.”“So am I! Why are we talking about marriage now?”“Because I need you to understand where this is going. It’s been wonderful. It is wonderful. But eventually, I’m going to marry a nice Jewish boy ... or girl.”I rolled over in bed to look at her. “There’s conversion.”Yael looked at me sideways. “I care for you a lot. But I know you well enough now to know that.
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