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. she didn't make it ... oh, Penelope!"It didn't really sink in then. I knew tremendous loss and anguish in slow motion. I felt like I was out of my own body, watching myself cry, watching myself give in to the grief. I saw myself from a distance, the warmth of my mother's embrace around someone else's body. I could see my father crying, eyes red and filled with tears as he wrapped his arms around us.Even as I felt the sadness, I stood apart from it, not allowing myself to believe it true, not letting myself accept that my mother was telling the truth. "No!" I screamed. "No! She's not dead! No!" Oh, Penelope ... I'm so, so sorry..." Mom cried into my neck. "I'm so sorry..." No!" I screamed that word over and over until my throat had become too thick to speak. My eyes were on fire, my body thick, my mind heavy, and I felt utterly lost, not myself.We went to the hospital where she'd been taken a while later, all of us still crying. I was a zombie following blindly, shadowing my parents. I could live with that.We drove around for awhile then went to the park. I parked the car and wewent for a walk where I led him to a secluded place where I had brought afew girls. I really did not know how to proceed so I let Nikki take thelead.We found a bench under a big shade tree and sat. He started kissing me. Iknew he wanted me to treat him as the girl he looked like, and I did. Forabout an hour we made out on that bench. I had a great time and fourerections. I wondered if he had any, but didn't ask.On the way home he invited me to his birthday supper, he said he would bewearing his new dress. I accepted. After a long good by kiss at hishouse; I drove the three blocks to my house.I parked the car in the driveway but did not get out. I sat therethinking. What the hell and I doing? I am going out with a girl who isreally a guy, and my best friend to boot. I am starting to think of himas my girlfriend and he sees me as his boyfriend. Something just doesn'tseem right, but I can't.
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