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“No,” she stated firmly, “I have a question. Do you WANT to stay here the rest of your life?”I was silent for a long time, and tears fell from my eyes when I finally said, “No. I’m really really sorry, but no. I can do it but it’s not what my heart wants. God how I wish it was, but no.”“I know, Johnny,” she said, “I love you just the way you are. You’re not ready yet. It’s alright. I don’t want you to be kept locked in a cage. That’s not who you are.”She reached over and kissed me long and tenderly.I don’t think she fully understood the pain in my eyes. I couldn’t let go of the other women I loved. I could not sever the ties to them; relegate them to a lower status. True, a lot of it was just plain fear of commitment. But it was also fear of loss.“Now go. I only ask few things,” she said.“I’ll do anything you wish of me, darling Jenny,” I told her and meant it. I would have stayed if she had asked me. It would have been hard, but I would have done it.“First, think about all that I’ve. Herzoghas put in place for my ease of entry into the world."Why do you resist me?" I asked him, my mouth forming a perfect littlepout. I could see this because he could see this."I... I don't want you around. You're ruining my life!" he shouted. Inoticed that he avoided any sibilant sounds. I'd gotten him lisping everso slightly like Cindy Brady. He knew this because I knew this."Am I really? Is that what you think? You've seen the world through myeyes and lived it the way I want to live. Isn't that better? Haven't youhad fun? Hasn't it been super?" I just had to add that last part to givehim a good sissy lisp."No!" he whined. "I don't want any part of it! You're making me dothings I don't want!" Like what?" Everything! The clothes! The way I act!" The way you feel about men?" Yes! Especially that!" Oh, don't be coy. Don't try to tell me that you don't enjoy that. I'vebeen with you all your life. I know everything you've ever thought andall of your fantasies. I've been there as.
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