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I was treated more and more as a girl by everybody, eventually ending up wearing skirts and dresses outside school as my female wardrobe built up over time. It started off with some casual girl clothes for school trips or wearing my girl's swimming costume when swimming at the weekends and progressed until I found myself wanting the new shade of lipstick or new type of shoes or new pattern of skirt that all the girls I related to wanted. Along with every other school kid I felt the need to conform in some way with my peers. Unfortunately my peers were now other girls.As I grew a few years older, my voice started to break and hair started to grow on my upper lip. The village residents panicked and I found myself on a strong course of female hormones, which I was told would merely postpone puberty for me. I was assured that as soon as I stopped taking them, my boy hormones would take over and make me develop like the other boys I had previously been to school with.My voice stopped. The excitement is gone.I haven't felt this magnetism for a long, long time, but I felt it last night.To tell the truth, I have been going through a bit of a rough spot emotionally these past few weeks. I have a lot on my mind. Last night I was having a particularly difficult time coping with the things I was feeling. I couldn't express myself, so I started in on a six-pack of beer to numb it away. I have never been a smoker, but I stole a cigarette from my husband. I don't know why I did that, but I did. He noticed that I was acting a bit off, so he followed me around and pressured me into telling him what was wrong. He joined me on the porch, and we smoked together for several hours, talking about our histories, our relationship, our worries, the future, everything. As I smoked, I discovered the comfort of holding a cigarette between the fingers, the slow drawing of smoke into the mouth, the inhale and momentary rush as the nicotine hit my system, and the calm, smooth exhalation as.
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