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Carole (beginning to cry) Oh no, it was gonna be my first time on the job, and it looks like Christmas is ruined before its even begun! Mary Christmas: Dont worry Carole, if hes too out of it to perform his duties, well just have to do it without him! Weve done it before, like that time in the 1960s when hed just discovered LSD and was tripping his head off. First Elf: Yup, youre right. And that time back in the 18th century when the bibulous old twat had drunk four quarts of gin. And the time in sixteen-hundred-and-frightened-to-death when the ol twat had fallen into a vat of rum, and nearly drowned trying to drink his way out. Mary Christmas: Yeah, I remember that. He got out three times to have a piss, then climbed back in. The twat First Elf: Twat. Mary Christmas: Twat. All cast members under four feet high turn towards audience. Cast: Boys and girls, Santa is a twat! Audience: OH NO HE ISNT! Cast: OH YES HE IS! Audience: OH NO HE ISNT! Cast: OH YES HE IS! Audience: OH NO HE. .. you see, when I was your age, I was taught that I had to wear a swim suit when I was playing in the water. I wasn't as lucky to have a Mommy like yours who said it would be all right to play in the water naked. Since I didn't bring my swim suit, I'm going to pretend that this tee-shirt is my swim suit for today."Mark thought about this gravely and the nodded as if it made sense. "Your Mommy wasn't very nice." No ... I guess from your point of view, I guess you could say that my Mommy wasn't very nice but you have to understand that my Mommy didn't know as much about the right way to play in the water. In those days, people didn't know as much as your Mommy. Does your Mommy let you look at things on the computer?" Yes, but only if she's with me ... I can't use the keyboard well enough yet to go on the computer by myself." Well, in that case, after we finish playing in the water, we'll ask her if we can look at some pictures of what people used to wear for swimming. What do you say?".
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