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Whether it's subconscious or not, I tend to believe the opposite of just about everything she believes. I hate the way her mind works."And you're right. Some of my friends are black and I don't even think about their race. I don't feel any differently about them than I do about my white friends or my Hispanic friends."I can't tell you why it happens. But every time I see a black guy with a white girl it makes me uncomfortable. I don't freak out. I don't feel like beating anyone up over it. I haven't ever said anything about it out loud to anyone except Lisa when she told me what she has planned for tomorrow. I'll even admit I'm embarrassed that I feel that way because I know it's wrong. But it's a gut reaction and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel tomorrow knowing what she's doing with those black guys."Mom smiled and said, "I guess it's a hopeful sign that you're embarrassed about it. Have you ever seen pictures of a white woman having sex with a black man?"Ken shook his head and. It nearly broke my heart to think Mom had lived her life without experiencing the joy of a good self-induced orgasm, and I mentally kicked myself for not thinking of her plight sooner. I would have been lying if I’d said the prospect of having permission to diddle myself didn’t excite me, too. Mom was looking around the living room, probably for her clothes, when I caught up with her. She whirled to face me, tears in her eyes. ‘Linnea, why are we acting this way? What’s happening to me? It’s so’ — she struggled with the word — ‘wrong!’ She panted, hands trembling uselessly at her sides. ‘Oh, Mommy!’ I thought about hugging her, but she flinched. ‘It’s not wrong, people masturbate all the time — you should try it.’ I demonstrated by sliding a finger into my slit, which nearly made me jump. I was dying for relief anyway, and the knowledge that Stacey wanted me to do it ratcheted my arousal even higher. ‘It feels so good,’ I urged, working the finger deeper and using it to transfer.
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