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But I miss the two of you so much. I tormented myself a long time with the what ifs, but I can't go back. I can't change things and have you both here. I can't keep living in the past. I didn't even realize I was back there so much 'til DiNozzo barged into my life.I think you guys would like him. He's sharp, smart, loyal. He pretends to be a shallow fratboy, but he's so much more. And he's the one who is there just as much as Ducky. For so long I pushed Tony away but he keep coming back without complaint. He kept caring and worrying. And yeah, loving me.I've known he loves me for a while now.It isn't just the sex. It was never just the sex. He makes me feel things—frustration, anger, affection, pride, lust, desire. Not only the negative emotions but some positive ones too. I feel alive.And I think it is time I let someone in again. It's him, Shannon. And I know you understand.I poured myself a small dribble of bourbon and sipped it slowly. I wasn't saying goodbye to my wife, but I was. I knew everything. I knew she was involved in a particularly torrid affair with a doctor from the hospital where she worked. I knew his name was Conrad and his address was local, I knew his wife was named Pepper, and his daughters Maggie and Sophie. I knew they had met at the Red Herring, a respectable bar for married singles looking to shed the inauspicious vows of wedlock. I knew, during seven years of marriage, she had been faithful for two. I knew she loved him, and I knew she planned to leave me very soon. ‘Just—just tell me why!’ I demanded in my most frantic of tones. ‘It’s okay, Johnny,’ she whispered to me, moving closer and closer—she was near enough to touch. ‘Everything’s okay, just put that down and we will talk, okay? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.’ She was at least calming to listen to. I looked far beyond her, into the empty black bay window. It was dark outside, only a single street shone, somewhere far in the distance. There was no moon, no stars—and then.
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