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It was Okay."OK, if you excluded my personal demons: I was feeling particularly self-destructive in those 'recently out of the hospital' days. I had no job, no hope of getting one, no point in living, no wife any more, no parents, and no relatives I wanted to see. No nothing. If it hadn't been for Master Chief Martinez whispering positive thoughts in my head, I don't think I'd have made it. Of course, the other homeless folks didn't notice that I was talking to him, too. Finally he told me he'd had enough of this depression, that he couldn't take it any more, and to 'fucking snap out of it.' Did I think I was the only person to come through the war, beat up? And he just cut off communications for almost two weeks.That was about as low as I ever got. When the voice in your head has given up on you, you either eat a gun, or you pull out of it. I did the latter. One day, I it just occurred to me that the world was the way it was, and I could decide each day how I was going to react to. I spun in her arms, slapping one hand over her mouth before she could finish. ‘No.’ It was a whisper, a breath. ‘Not yet….I’m not ready for this, Nat. Please.’ Natalie pulled her head away with a hard shake. ‘When will you be ready, Monk? For the love of God, you need to know why, and then you need more time — can’t you just fucking accept? Can’t you just…let go?’ Her voice went from angry to plaintive. ‘Please, Monk…all this control is killing you. If you don’t see it, I sure as hell do.’ I looked her hard in the eye. ‘Without it, I would have snapped your neck, back there in the kwoon.’ ‘Really?’ she asked. Before I could react, she grabbed my hand and placed it around her throat. ‘Then do it, Monk. Rid your life of this unplanned distraction. Then you can get on with your hermitude, and wallow in the hell you’ve made for yourself out of four walls and loneliness.’ It was amazing how big her eyes got when I started squeezing. I was tired of being pushed. ‘Don’t….tempt…me.’ I.
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