Aamya Rajput
She saw me watching her and looked away, obviously embarrassed.The situation had potential; for disaster or joy. Or both.“I have to go to Wichita for a few days to clear out my mom’s house.” Alice told us, “Is it cool to leave Vicky here with you?”“Of course.” Sally said happily, “Gus, you should go with Alice. Going through her mother’s things will be hard.”I looked at Sai; she and Alice didn’t quite mesh. She didn’t object to the idea though.“We could fly up in my plane.” I suggested.Alice owned the big jump plane, which would have cost too much to fly that far. My little 4 seater was practical.“Of course if you prefer to go alone, you can take the Cessna.” I added.Alice looked around the table. Just like when we were courting Sai, no one said anything overt; but it seemed we all knew what we were about.Alice and Vicky would be good for us, and we would be good for them. We didn’t need them, and they would do fine without us; but we all fit. Our big house with the big yard, close. I think about her. I hate myself for thinking about her. I hide from her. I hate myself for hiding from her. Do you see a pattern?" Ray joked sarcastically."It sounds like you still have these strong unresolved feelings for your wife. And are guilty over them." She cheated on me." You suspected that she was." Thinking and knowing are two different things. You may think there is a hell. I know there is one. That makes our feelings and motivations completely different. I didn't want to know. Then it was so blatant that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Each of my senses knew there was someone else. I couldn't deny it without denying everything else. I may as well have denied my own existence, denied that water is wet, ice is cold. It was that empirical. And then a marriage that was crumbling but being repaired, fell apart completely. Imploded like an old building brought down." Okay, so to re-visit. The depth of feeling for Dana is there but the self-directed anger, the feeling of.
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