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We were the last ones to arrive so Aunt Kathy, Uncle Jack, Allison and Jason were already there.After all the HI's and hugs we settled into getting dinner ready. I found that dressed as John, I was not as welcome in the kitchen. On New Year's Day I had been there as Lisa and had gotten to help with the cooking and baking. Today was different. It seemed like I was given little jobs to keep me out of the way. Allison got all the big jobs, like making the tossed salad and being 'in charge' of the dinner rolls. I was pretty down and disappointed by the time we started setting the table."What is bugging you today, John?" asked my Aunt Kathy. She was helping me set the table for dinner."Nuthin'. Not really... I guess," I mumbled back. I was sorting out Grandma's good silverware at the time."Well! I think something is wrong. You are so quiet and looking at your shoes a lot. That usually means something isn't making you happy," Aunt Kathy replied."It's okay. I guess...(sigh)," I said.We. My clothes are tighter. I tell myself it’s weight gain and I hit the gym extra hard. For weeks upon weeks I can’t figure it out. Then, one day, I’m looking at myself in the mirror. The rest of me hasn’t really gained weight, just my breasts and my tummy. Only, it feels firm instead of flabby, and I can’t really suck it in. Then, as I’m touching my rounding tummy, I feel something move inside me. I feel a tiny kick. Horrified, I realize what’s been happening to me. I pray it isn’t true, but when I go to the doctor’s office, he confirms it is. I’m knocked up. And not just knocked up, I’m a little over four months along. I’m already in my second trimester. He informs me that it’s too late now. Most doctors won’t perform an abortion this late. I’m trapped. I have to have this baby. I’m devastated and furious. I wait for the man who knocked me up to return from his overseas business a couple of weeks later. I’m waiting for him in his office, full of anger and resentment. I barely wait.
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