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We also don't know how to relate to others. We are alone so we don'tpick up the interrelationship clues that other teens learn because theyare with friends. As adults we don't know how to deal with people sofind ourselves alone or, because we are afraid of people gravitatetowards rural areas because there are less people to deal with or majorurban areas because there everyone is anonymous.Many of us are "read" and caught out partially because we are fearful ofbeing read and caught out. We also might be read because there are fewgenetic 6' 2" women. Even after transition we may be mentally lookingover our shoulders to see if anyone is outing us, either maliciously orunintentionally. Either way we could be hurt and humiliated if ithappens.In addition to being gender dysphoric we may also have age dysphoria. Ihave seen the tears in the eyes of one physically adult "little girl" Icall daughter when we are in the company that includes real children. Itis then that I wish a miracle. But just as I lifted my wrist, Doris placed her hand over mine and held it. She was smiling and nodding to Ellen who was putting on a show. Ellen’s hands were all over her body—her shiny brown hair, her tiny breasts, her hips, the hem of her red dress, which she started lifting a little. Harry got up and took off his jacket. He danced awkwardly. Doris started clapping, egging them on. He danced his way to Ellen.“We can say no,” I remembered Ellen saying.Instead, I watched her take Harry’s hands and pull him closer. I took a deep breath and covered my mouth while I looked. Doris laughed. Even her laughs were measured and delicate. She was tapping me on my thigh to the rhythm of the song. Her hand stopped tapping but stayed on my thigh. My inner thigh.Meanwhile, Ellen was nineteen again, in a club illegally, and twerking. When Harry slid up behind her, she twerked into his crotch. A little grunt escaped from me, but Doris’s hand was holding me back. Harry’s hands were on Ellen’s sides,.
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