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And increasingly, I thought that Karen was probably just the right person. She didn’t know anyone that I knew and her integrity was beyond reproach. Every time I called her and hung up without telling her, I felt like I’d let an opportunity slip by. I rationalized my silence by convincing myself that the topic was something best discussed in person. I needed to make another date with her, and I did. I can’t remember ever being so nervous as I was that day. As soon as the date was made, in honor of what I hoped to share, I decided I’d be all dressed up—at least underneath. If I didn’t get up the nerve to tell her (a very distinct possibility), I would at least have the pleasure of going out feeling all feminine underneath my male clothes. I shaved. I lotioned. I painted my toenails. I selected a black, heavy garter belt, black panties and a pair of stockings that I’d been saving for Lord knows what. Before I set off, I opened a bottle of wine and had a large glass of the liquid. .. maybe, she would reach out to me. If she could at least let me know that she was all right, and that my child was also all right, then perhaps I would be able to sleep peacefully again.Another eleven years went by, faster than I would have believed. My writing had continued, sometimes in a seeming flood of nervous energy. In truth, it was because I had little else in my life. After failing to find Mrs. Ball, or even having any indication of her existence, I concluded that she must have changed her name, and arranged her affairs to make her impossible to find. In this day of the Internet, and social media, I would have thought it difficult to do, but apparently she had succeeded.I became somewhat of a hermit, eschewing relationships in favour of long hours in front of a succession of keyboards and software packages, grinding out the words that formed in my brain. Whenever I wrote an erotic scene, I had an image of her in my mind. When I wrote dialogue between two lovers, I thought.
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