Tanker

”She wipes my tears away gently with her thumbs, cradling my face in her hands.“So, yes; it does have to hurt. But it is your destiny, your future. You hold it in your hands. Don’t let it go. Don’t let me down.”I look down, still crying, then up again. “Why, Mistress?”“Why what, my sweet?”“Why do people want to see my humiliation, my disgrace, my… my pain?”She looks up, pensively, thinking. “I’m not sure I know, Mouse. Perhaps it is because you are real, and they are looking for something real to hold onto. Perhaps it is because some of them are ghouls, and want to consume your pain.“Some of them find it exciting, it makes them feel sexy. And when they can come back afterwards and have sex with you, it makes them feel… special. Exalted. Dominating.”She looks down at me again. “You know this feeling. You see it all the time when you are dancing. You feel it in the air of the Club when you are onstage. Why do they feel that way? I don’t know. But they do… and they are willing to pay for. "Above and beyond, mate,above and beyond." A little bit of me had hoped Box, as my closestfriend, would be confused to see me, Her. But he only sees Lizzie. AdyAynho has gone.The weight of his gifts feel real, I try a smile. Seems to work. "I'mfine. Just having a wobble." Seriously, you okay?" He nods encouragingly."It's fine." That lie. "Just being, just me being, being..." I shrug."A girl." Conditioning: despite integration of women into most jobs inthe Army, that word for my new gender still means weak to most of us.Girl and gay - proper descriptions for people who aren't tough enough.I make dismissive gestures, like everything's good. "I need to get myberet, boots - my day sack," I turn, hurry away feeling the hurt,disappointment and regret from him.Stop. Ball fists. Face him. There's nobody else in view, thank god."Toots?" He's followed me, just a metre or so behind. "I feel reallyshit about this." Look, I can't do anything about the way you feel. But, if it helps,this is.
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