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I’d’ve gone over to the hospital rather than come back here, but I was ordered not to talk to him.”“But...”“Grandpa, I’m okay. Really, that’s not going to be a problem.”Dad interjected, “Dad, let’s hold that for later. So, what happened next, Grim?”“It was just like Iraq, Dad. I returned fire. That’s what you do. I terminated the threat.”“And now?”“And now I need some sleep. It’s been a long day. I am on administrative suspension until all the investigations are done. I can sleep late.”He took the hint. “Okay, go say good night to your mother and we’ll get out of your hair.”“Give me a minute.” I grabbed some clothing and changed out of my uniform. It’s a good thing it was dark blue, since Jerry’s blood was still splotched on me. At least Mom hadn’t noticed. I changed quickly and went back to the main house. Mom chewed me a little more, but she seemed more tired and relieved than anything else. Afterwards she and Dad took off, and Kelly and I returned to the apartment. We went to bed,. But at the moment I couldn't quite deal with the thought of being me. Atthe moment, I didn't even know what that meant anymore. Whatever aversionI had to mind-numbing drugs faded beneath a steady stream of littleyellow pills and larger red ones that kept reality far enough at bay forme to no longer care. The days shuffled past like a disgruntled teen onher way to school, self-absorbed and full of sullen mutters.Even in my dopey stupor a routine of sorts emerged. I started every daylying spread eagle on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. The morning sunwould dance across the far wall and crawl its way down to the floor likea living being, luminous and vibrant; it had little time for me. One dayit rained and without the light I felt an unimaginable sense of loss thatalmost had me in tears--if I'd had tears left to waste.Eventually I would drift over to the balcony and stare out across thecity. I spent hours there. From my high place the wind caressed my skinand ruffled my hair. The day.
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