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With the bags by the door, I try to relax and not think too much. A couple shots of one of those guys – Jack or Jim or Johnny, help that progress. When night falls and the new day begins I put our bags in the car and head to your apartment. I know you’ve followed the outline I’ve given you and although you aren’t exactly expecting me, I know you’ll be prepared exactly as planned. Opening the door I see immediately that you’ve been doing precisely as I ask. I head for your bedroom and stand over you, watching you sleep for a long moment. Might this be one of the last times? I can’t help but think about never having you again; never tasting the fluids of sweat or blood or tears from you again, never landing a quirt on those shoulders, smelling your scent or having you blow me while I drive. I think of the time spent covered in sweat and sliding against each other and of the noises you make when you’ve been pleased. I push those thoughts from my head; too many distractions now. “I accept it, but I don’t understand it.”“It’s worse for him, though,” Bethany said quietly, “since the idea of ‘gone forever’ isn’t something a little one can understand. He was only six months old and just learning to say ‘Dada’ when Nick died.”We spent about twenty minutes looking at the pictures, something I planned to do with Nicholas for as far into the future as I was able. Just before 5:00pm we took the kids to the kitchen and Nora served hot dogs and French fries. Nicholas needed help with his, but the other two did just fine, though I grimaced when they both slathered catsup on their hot dogs.“No self-respecting Chicagoan puts catsup on a hot dog!” I said to Kurt.“They’re kids!” he laughed. “Cut them some slack.”“I’m going to have to work on Jesse. I think I need to take him to Gold Coast Dogs and get him a real Chicago-style hotdog.”“I think that will turn out just like the bourbon!” Kathy laughed.“Bourbon?” Nora asked.“Jesse asked me to taste my bourbon last weekend. He.
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