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. but I did not forget about my toys. I grabbed the dildo and plug on the way into the bathroom, along with things to clean out. I shaved all of my body hair off except my arms and did my best to make sure I was as hairless on my balls as possible. I grabbed the douche as well and cleaned out. The feeling of the nozzle going in and filling me up instantly made my cock grow rock hard. I held it in as long as I could and then released. I moaned releasing and couldn't wait to repeat. I did that twice more and had a long drip of precum off my cock. After the last rinse I grabbed my plug and teased myself. Inserting it to the widest point and pulling it out. My cock was flowing now with pre cum and I finally stuck the plug all the way in twisting it around. Then pulling it all the out and starting to fuck my self. God I can't help myself. I'm going to get into trouble this year. I finally submitted and started on again with what I came in for, a shower. I shoved the plug in one final time. Even before my cancer, my life had been agony. My mind was ravaged by its own cold existence, all this time cheated out of chemicals like serotonin. For most of my life I haven’t known what peace, happiness, or sanity meant. I’m trapped in a realm of existence that I cannot escape from, and no matter how well I live, be it a billionaire or a homeless vagrant, my misery and anger will be never leave me. That sadness had in time been twisted into hatred, the feeling of not belonging to any part of the world decaying into loathing for that world. Hatred is my only means of survival, the only alternative to wallowing in despair. It hurts less to hate the world around me than to want to be a part of it. It hurts less to hate others than to be starving for a connection.But I don’t want to be the cliché outsider who thinks that he knows better than everyone because he sees everything in a jaded light. Social constructs and conventions always seem like a stupid waste of time to me, but I.
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