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Sometimes vanish like old friends or the garbage left by the curb on Tuesday night. I caress my scars. Dream about him next to me. Feel him in the night tending them. Believe that he’s there. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe. Not being able to get to my planned destination, I diverted to a nearby ABS. It is one that I have visited many times in the past, but not recently. Usually it is not all that busy, but today the parking lot had several cars in it. Since it was early afternoon, my hunch was that there were several men recently off work seeking out some release to their sexual tension. I was pretty much correct on that one. Walking across the parking lot, however, there was a very thin person of uncertain gender—that one looked really worth exploring, but I never saw her, or him, actually enter the store.The store’s video areas are divided into two parts. Immediately on the right is an arcade with several very dark booths. I continued to the front desk and paid my small fee of $4 to enter a somewhat makeshift theater area. I walked in just as another man was exiting, he looked at me with interest, but continued out. Inside it was pitch black other than what light a large TV screen over the entrance.
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