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Now here you are, sitting in front of me, more beautiful than I have ever seen you, and I... I ...“ “Steve, I know.” Time played its games again, turning into a silky black rush. I remember pushing the well-worn brass push plate on the warm wood door as we left. Then, the click of my seatbelt, the revving of the engine, and the crunch of gravel as I pulled into her driveway. The door opened into the dim depths of her kitchen. Ahead of me, she turned. The hungry physical fire flickered and then went out, replaced by the cool calm of control. I thought I had outrun reason, but damn if it did not catch up with me. “Drink?” “Sure.” “Vodka?” “Do you have tea?” “Y-yeah, tea... Yup.” The silence was painful and long as she poured the tea for me, three fingers of Absolut for her. “Deb, what are we doing?” “I don’t know. You know I hate myself. The way you touched me. All the times you were there when no one else was. The way you loved me... The way you still do. I let that all go because I. Memories came flooding back to me. I sat on the floor and curled into a fetal position. We never stopped making out. My god, no we had never stopped. The day before we had been caught we had been snuggling naked here. We had never had sex but ... we did a lot of other things.I couldn’t believe I had buried it. Of course I had never wrote about it anywhere. God help me if anyone knew. I started crying. I had wrote this out of my mind, told myself it had never happened. Not because it hadn’t- because I needed to write Suzie down to get on with my life. I felt horrible.I couldn’t go back here; as with all things well in the past, it was another country and the borders were closed. The couple who made love on that blanket were basically dead. Susan Levine wasn’t Suzie anymore, and I was most certainly not Johnathan Harris. They would have died anyway, true. We would be different people now; but we would have been different together and in totally different worlds. We would have either.
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