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On the occasions when we found ourselves alone in bedrooms or on couches, our bravado dissipated and we became children again, unsure of what was expected of us. We did not have a lot of lust to guide us. We found each other attractive, but we were so young neither of us had ever experienced clear erotic desire. The thing I badly wanted wasnt sex, but to be rid of my virginity, the last vestige of a childhood spent trusting and respecting adults, seeking their approval. Josh, I knew, was as confused about what this entailed as I was. I never brought it up. It was all we could do to get past second base. After Josh broke my heart, my great regret was not that I had lost my virginity to him, but that I hadnt. If I was going to be lovelorn, at least I would have liked the consolation of being able to brag that Id had sex. So, when I was fifteen, I started going to bars with a pack of girls who went to Catholic school in Manhattan and knew how to get fake IDs. We would go to crummy dives. "Do you understand?" She nodded. "Good. I agree with what you said. You were very bitchy, and I am going to punish you as you have never been punished before."Her head jerked toward me, causing our noses to collide. Even with her eyes hidden, I could see the question on her face. We play at bondage. Anyone truly into these practices would laugh at how we go about it, alternating dominant and submissive roles, never inflicting real pain. Jeanine now wore all of our equipment except a black cloth gag. We owned and used no whips or clamps, pointy things or penetrating things save what god gave us (except one small vibrator, but that hardly counts).The torture we performed was that of delaying sweet release, or repeatedly inflicting it, or both. The semblance of bondage merely allowed us the illusion of submission and dominance, to more freely express ourselves, and to experience what we might not otherwise have the courage to seek. Jeanine's face asked if this was about to change.I gave.
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