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However I knew that if I tried not to be quietthen I'd start blathering. I could blather quiet well and had done sobefore the meeting started. I kept going on and on about basicallynothing at all so much that one of guys slapped me on the back andpunched me in the arm. I gave many a silent "thank-you's" that hestruck the area where my bra wasn't. But it meant I needed to shut upand not go on and on about things. It meant I was nervous if I startedtalking like that and if they saw me being nervous they would wonderwhat I was nervous about and then they might slap my back again or dosomething where they could feel my bra, camisole, blouse, necklace, ormy panties or worse yet I would just open my big fucking mouth and shoutout to everyone what I was wearing underneath my clothes... Oh God, I'meven blathering in a monologue all to myself. I feel sick. If I said that they might try to send me to the schoolnurse. Even though school was over for the day, my luck she would bethere. It was Susan who found a way directly into that class using my accumulated credits for vocational courses and work experience in place of an undergraduate qualification. She helped me gain bankable experience for work I did for her giving me room to exercise my own judgement in a way no manager had allowed me or anyone else I knew. She claimed that this had increased her own productivity but I had an uncomfortable certainty that at least at the beginning, steering me had been more time consuming than doing it all herself. I got better at it and I can never repay the trust, except with abiding admiring love.When mom died she was like a second mother to me. She even took two of her own leave days to fly down to California to support me at the funeral. I've never got on with my father so he and I were not going to help each other much; I even felt I needed support to get me through the stuff I had to do face to face with him. Her negotiating skills found ways round problems that I was.
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